Why Telemarketing Still Remains a National, or Even International Annoyance

So, you’re sitting on the couch with a half-eaten bowl of cereal on the coffee table. Suddenly, your cell phone starts ringing, and you don’t recognize the phone number. You answer, and it’s yet another robotic voice selling you something you don’t want or something urgent. You end up being annoyed because you got called by yet another telemarketer. A perfect candidate for a YWKBS episode.

They drive you absolutely and irrevocably bonkers. You get it, you have a job and quota. As a person with a phone, you could be achieving what could be considered a perfect mid-afternoon and undisturbed bliss. Could you be immersed in a documentary about the structural integrity of fancy Swiss cheese? You could be thriving at will. But then, your cell phone buzzes or rings. It comes from a number that you don’t recognize. Nine times out of ten, I send it to voicemail, but the other one could be a call from a guy who is expected to fix a broken pool pump or something.

As soon as you answer, you immediately hear a robotic voice from some company named Cardboard Box Solutions. They called you because they see you’re still paying too much for your corrugated containers. They then get to sell you their new triple environment-consciousness-approved box that could save you whatever amount. It makes no sense, and you stop the call at will. You tell them that you own a house and a normal-sized life. You don’t need to buy like half a million industrial water heaters that require specialized reinforced cardboard.

There are three things that can bring your blood to a boil. The first one is an absolute classic: the awkward pause. You answer, and then there’s dead silence. That’s slightly too long – an agonizing pause before the computerized system finally recognizes your voice and connects you to the telemarketer. It’s like they’re waiting for you to spontaneously generate interest in a seven-day cruise that sounds suspiciously like a tax haven. If they plan to interrupt your life, give them some common courtesy to be ready!

The second one is the worst: the fake friend. They call you and attempt to establish a rapport immediately as soon as you answer. They ask how your day has been going so far at the moment you’re having your best, in addition to asking how yesterday was. You don’t recognize the voice. Your day was perfect until they called, and the two of you are not friends, and may never be. That person is trying to sell you a subscription to a magazine about artisanal pickle-making, and you were the target. Just tell them your spiel and hang up with your dignity intact.

The last one is the grand finale and pièce de résistance: the Do Not Call Disregard. What I’m talking about is the Do Not Call List. You sign up at both the state and federal levels and wait the requisite 31 days, forming the Great Wall of your personal time. This ends up becoming a game of cat and mouse because every single time they have an excuse. They could call you about an existing business relationship or your time with a company you’ve never even heard of. It’s like a dog still drooling on your couch.

There are four categories that result in telemarketers calling you. The first one is an absolute classic: phony vacation offers. These fools try to sell you a free vacation package that will end up costing thousands according to fine print. The second one is the worst of all: annoying election calls. They always happen during an election season, in addition to attack ads that air on television every now and then. Unfortunately, they ignore the Do Not Call Lists and bombard you with texts and telemarketing calls ad nauseam. They’re often a result of you ignoring fine print when you registered to vote or made a donation.

The third one is another classic: shady fundraisers from individuals and non-profit organizations trying to raise money for some stupid promotion or event or whatever. The last one is in connection with the previous three, and yet they claim the top spot for being the worst of them all: fake IRS and home estimate scams. They call you by stating you may owe the IRS thousands of dollars in taxpayer money or some home restoration service or whatever. All of these can be fake in some form just so they can extort money out of their victims and always call at the worst times.

Everyone has had it, and solutions have been developed, including the ability to filter unknown numbers and even block them. If a telemarketer calls, block them and they won’t call you again, unless they change their phone number which happens just so frequently. But when they do so again for the tenth or hundredth straight time, politely listen to their entire pitch about an amazing new investment opportunity in ethically-sourced alpaca wool socks. And when they finally ask, say no and start asking them increasingly complicated, nonsensical, and time-consuming questions.

When you get your arms up to them, tie their phone line for so long that they miss their quota and make their job profoundly tedious that they question every life choice that led them to the cubicle. You can become the human equivalent of a busy signal for their entire sales department. So to all the telemarketers out there trying to sell you cardboard, socks, or a new roof you don’t need, go after them. The next time you hear that awkward silence, it’s not the machine connecting. It’s you loading up your questions. Let them back away and return to whatever is on top of you. They are BS.